I cannot say it enough. Most of us rarely feel truly heard and
understood. Empathy, the simple act of hearing someone
and focusing your attention on them, can be incredibly
healing. Try to listen for the feelings and needs behind
someone’s words. This isn’t always easy, but the results are
remarkable.
Here’s an example. One of your kids says, “We never
do what I want.” That might be hard to hear if you focus
on the words he uses and if you think 90 percent of your
life is focused on meeting his needs. Take a deep breath
and listen for what they are; I’m guessing respect, and a say
in decision making. You don’t have to agree with him, by
the way. All you’re doing is trying to understand his view
of things. You could respond with, “Are you frustrated and
want
more say in the family’s decision-making process?”
That’s it! Now, carry the conversation through by listening
for his feelings and needs and expressing your own. The
whole conversation might sound like this, “Yeah, you and
Dad always get your own way.” “So, you think we’re only
doing what we want without considering what you
want?”
“Yeah.” “I feel sad about this because I know I spend a lot
of time considering your needs, and then often neglecting
my own. I guess we both want the same thing, balance and
respect. You and I would both like to know that the other
one values our needs too. Do you agree with that?” “Yeah,
I guess.” “Would you be willing to talk about what we are
both hoping for tonight, and maybe brainstorm ways we
can both get what we want?” “OK.”
If we focus on the words, we often miss the point. Listen
deeply to the needs the other person is trying to convey.
Once you understand each other, you will be ready to
resolve the situation.
Empathize with at least one person today.
