ARTICLE 1 Heart of Parenting... continued
Often we respond with judgments, "He's so stubborn," or, "I'm such a failure as a parent." We deal with our feelings by using labels, blame, criticism, and diagnosis.
But the problem is that judging our children and what they "should"
be doing will lead us to feel angry. If we instead judge ourselves as
at fault for their behavior, then guilt, shame, and depression result.
If we feel hopeless about our children's desire to cooperate, we may
try to motivate and coerce them with rewards or punishments.
Thinking
and communicating in this way is part of the Domination model.
Families, schools, workplaces, relationships, and politics run on this
system. Hierarchical power relationships and unequal privileges abound.
People (particularly children) are viewed as inherently selfish.
Whenever
we try to make our children behave in a certain way through demanding
or coercing, we evoke resistance because humans have a universal need
for autonomy. Their resistance comes as submission (leading to
resentment and deadening) or rebellion (leading to anger).
Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of Nonviolent Communication, says of his kids, "And
here were these young children teaching me this humbling lesson that I
couldn't make them do anything. All I could do is make them wish they
had... [and] anytime I would make them wish they had, they would make
me wish I hadn't made them wish they had. Violence begets violence."
Wanting
to avoid conflict, many parents take the permissive approach. They aim
to meet all their child's needs and ignore their own. This leads to
resentment in the parent, models self-sacrifice to the child, and
prevents the child's needs for contribution and cooperation being met.
Marshall
Rosenberg grew up in a turbulent Detroit neighborhood and has
initiated peace programmes in areas such as Rwanda, the Middle East and
Northern Ireland. He describes some everyday violent behaviors:
- Reward and punishment, "Punishment is the root of violence on our planet."
- Guilt, where we trick others into thinking that they are responsible for our feelings, eg. "Now you're really making me angry."
- Shame, where we label someone when they don't do what we want, e.g. "You are so rude."
- Denying responsibility for our actions - using, "had to," "can't," "should," "must," and "ought." Rosenberg describes how this kind of language was used by many Nazi war criminals.
Talking
with our kids in these violent ways spirals into disconnection and
conflict. In the long term, it affects a child's self-esteem,
relationships, and communication, as well as their intrinsic desires
for contribution, cooperation, trust, and connection.
When teaching Nonviolent Communication these violent communications are sometimes called "jackal,"
since jackals live in hierarchical packs. However, judgments and
violence are tragic distortions of unmet needs, so behind all jackal
talk is a giraffe waiting to be heard.
Nonviolent
Communication is sometimes called giraffe language, because giraffes
have the largest heart of any land mammal, they stick their necks out,
and their saliva digests thorns! Shifting from jackal to giraffe
requires changing the way we think and communicate. Intention and
language are both involved.
Using
giraffe, we intend to connect compassionately with ourselves and
others, and inspire compassion from them. Aiming to create a quality of
interaction where everyone gets their needs met, our goal is to make
life more wonderful for all. We move from power over to sharing power.
Rejecting
the domination language of blame, judgment and coercion, we embrace
life-serving needs of compassion, cooperation and contribution. "The
most powerful and joyful intrinsic motivation human beings have for
taking any action is the desire to meet our own and other's needs."
Permissive
parenting this is not, since communicating our unconditional love and
respect doesn't mean we have to be permissive, give up our values, or
even like what our children are doing in any particular moment.
We aim to get what we want, but not at our children's expense. "Our needs are met most fully and consistently when we find strategies that also meet others' needs."
When a child is not criticized or coerced, they do not need to defend
themselves, can open their heart to their feelings and needs and
empathize with others, leading to a wish to cooperate.
"Rewards
and punishments are not necessary when people see how their efforts
are contributing to their own wellbeing and the wellbeing of the other."
Using
Nonviolent Communication, our thinking, hearing and speaking can
depart from our cultural and habitual conditioning. The intention and
tools enable us to reveal what's in our heart and to empathically
receive what is in our child's heart.
As
with any practice, consciousness and effort are required. At first
using the model may seem confusing and unnatural, but remember Gandhi's
words, "Don't mix up that which is habitual with that which is natural."
Compassionate
Communication is a process language which focuses our here and now
awareness on feelings and needs, and actions to meet those needs. The
model is a practical way to put the intentions into practice. Three
options for connecting are: self-empathy; self-expression; and offering
empathy.
The model consists of four steps: Observations, Feelings, Needs and Requests. Attention on needs is at the heart of this practice, from which the other steps arise.
When parents practice NVC they can contribute to a more wonderful life for their families.
Children
learn that their feelings and needs matter. They have intimacy with
their parents whilst having clear boundaries, knowing that they do not
cause their parents' feelings. Self-acceptance comes from living
without judgment and blame.
They
experience doing things from their own internal motivation rather than
from external punishments and rewards, and are thus more satisfied.
They learn how to hear the feelings and needs behind others' judgments
or anger, and so create their own emotional safety. They learn to
express their feelings in a way that is likely to be met by empathy and
cooperation. They experience the satisfaction of contributing to their
own wellbeing and that of their parents, friends and others.
Parents
have the pleasure of contributing to a family where everyone's needs
matter rather than using either authoritarian or permissive parenting
styles. After acting in ways that don't meet their values, they can
give self-empathy and find a way to meet these needs next time rather
than attacking themselves with guilt and shame.
Simply
aiming to understand their child's feelings and needs behind any
behavior contributes to connection. Concrete tools help prevent parents
from reacting with anger, punishment, judgment and blame and make
understanding and the desire to contribute more likely.
Mutual
trust and respect becomes the core of the relationship as each member
of the family experiences the joy of willingly contributing to making
other's lives more wonderful.
Marion Badenoch Rose
gained her Ph.D. from Cambridge University researching the
mother-infant relationship. She held a private practice in
Psychosynthesis Counseling and Psychotherapy in England and worked as a
University Research Fellow investigating infant cognitive development.
She lectured on The Therapeutic Relationship to M.A. students. Since
moving to Australia she has qualified in HypnoBirthing®. She found
Nonviolent Communication through an Aware Parenting web group. She has
been practicing NVC since September 2002, particularly with her husband
and daughter, and is working towards CNVC certification. She can be
contacted at
This article first appeared in Byronchild magazine, www.byronchild.com. This excerpt from the original article is reprinted with permission by PuddleDancer Press. Find the entire article here in our Parenting Article Archive.
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