Parenting with your Children's Gifts
in Mind... continued
In the following article we share information that will help you give your talents, skills and abilities freely and allow you also to receive your child's while maintaining a happy, healthy living environment for all!
In our book, Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids, we devote a chapter to the concept of Giving. Often times when we decide about how we want to run our household we often forget that our children have a surprisingly delightful ability to share with their parents. In that sharing they can offer much to the peace and happiness of the household in general.
Our belief is that a happy, healthy lifestyle is when all parties have something to share, instead of parents controlling the situation by dictating when and how certain things will happen in the flow of family life.
By recognizing the gifts your children have to give and by developing the skills to graciously receive them, you meet deep needs for contribution for you and your children that affect the core of self-worth for each of you.
Here are two key concepts to remember when deciding how to design a home life that honors everyone's need to share their talents and still have peace and order:
We write in our book, Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids that
"a primary parental role is to inspire-giving-to help young people understand what they have to share and how they can share it in a way that it can be received."
In a parent-run household it is often thought that handing kids a list of chores to do and telling them when they need to be completed is giving kids a chance to fulfill their need for contribution. This style often leads to parents reinforcing their wishes by using threats, punishment or rewards.
Such tactics do not inspire giving in the child nor allow parents to appreciate the wonderful capacity of children to give.
Instead all the parent sees is an unresponsive child that drags his/her feet when asked to do something.
Giving comes naturally to human beings when it isn't forced. Giving is actually the source of the greatest joy possible.
Think of a time as a parent when you gave to your family, not expecting anything in return. A classic example is the parent that is willing to get up in the middle of the night to comfort a child frightened by a dream. Parents do this all the time. Actually the act of becoming a parent is one of being willing to offer ones self to the care and upbringing of another human being.
Your child has that fundamental need also. The child that picks a flower on the way home from school and runs to give it to their mother is showing an ability to give without the thought of receiving in return.
Everyone is born with a host of ideas, talents and skills. Early on we can identify which of our children is athletically inclined, or has the talent of drawing or painting. But even putting personal skills aside all human beings have the capacity to give time, energy, the ability to listen and the ability to laugh.
If this is true why is it that many parents complain about how little their children do around the house? Some reasons for the disconnect between your child's natural need to contribute and actually offering to help out around the house can possibly be one of the following:
Many children don't think they have anything to give.
Having a conversation about the ways your child thinks they can help out, sparks an understanding that their uniqueness is valued. Asking their opinion on how that "list of chores" necessary to the flow of the household can be accomplished with all enjoying their role, shows them you trust their thoughts and feelings and helps build their self-worth.
When a person feels secure they matter, their ability to give grows.
Parents often fail to recognize that contributions need to be made willingly.
Who really wants to be told what to do? Isn't it more fun and more rewarding to want to do something? Exploring the understanding that doing something can be done willingly if everyone's ideas are considered can be the turn-around that many households need to get that list of chores done.
Instead of doing chores for the reward of an allowance, or under threat of punishment, your child is able to increase their need to contribute while growing the ability to come up with different ideas and strategies to accomplish the tasks required.
Parents often focus on the negative and don't take time to acknowledge the positive contributions their children make.
In our rushed world of needing to accomplish so much in so little time, it is easy to focus our attention on what hasn't been done rather than on what has been done.
It happens everyday in our world. What hasn't been done is brought up much quicker than what has been accomplished. We're guessing you experience that many times in your work environment.
Are you motivated to finish the project faster when your boss see only the pile on your desk not dealt with instead of the many piles that have been?
Your child is the same way. Starting out with simple praise and acknowledgment for what your child has accomplished contributes to their self-worth and moves them to want to do more.
Many parents are fixed on their own agenda of what, when, and how kids should contribute.
If you were raised in a household where what parents wanted and when they wanted it, was law, then moving away from your personal agenda as the only way to contribute can be tough.
As humans we learn mostly by what we see and experience more than by what we read or are told.
If you take the time to remember back to how you felt when you were given no voice in how things were done around the house, we think you will soon realize how frustrating it was and how much more enjoyable life would have been if your opinion had been considered. From your experience you might even be experiencing some lack of self-worth as an adult.
If you are reading this article than you probably are seeking another way. There are many roads to accomplishing the same goal. Taking some time to listen to all family members can provide new, different and possibly more joyful ways to reach those goals.
And all that is needed is the time it takes to have a family discussion! The benefit for that short amount of time will be a peaceful house where everyone contributes showcasing their individual ways of giving while increasing their personal self-worth.
We realize that it takes more understanding and a few more skills than we have time to share in an article to really feel comfortable with parenting with your child's gifts in mind. To learn more, read our book, Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids. Our free Compassionate Parenting Tip series is another terrific resource is available to you by clicking the image above in the resources area of this eNewsletter.
Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson are coauthors of The Compassionate Classroom, Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids
, and The No-Fault Classroom, as well as creators of The No-Fault Game. They bring a combined 45 years of elementary teaching and parent education experience to their work. As cofounders of Kindle-Hart Communication, they've been developing and facilitating parent and teacher education workshops together for over 20 years.
Keep learning these vital
communication skills with these books and training
resources:
This Month's Specials:
- NVC Essentials Book Package or eBook Package Save 55% off list price through Oct. 31, 2013
- Marshall Rosenberg Essentials Book Package or eBook Package - Save 55% off list price through Oct. 31, 2013
- NVC Parenting Book Package and eBook Package- Save 55% off list price through Oct. 31, 2013
Every Day Book
Package Specials:
- NVC Marshall Rosenberg Book Package and eBook Package - Save 50%-60% on this book package every day from PuddleDancer Press
- NVC Reference Library Package and eBook Package - Save 55%-60% on this book package every day from PuddleDancer Press
- Save at least 30%-55% off all other titles every day.
