"The intention behind the protective use of force is to prevent injury, never to
punish or to cause individuals to suffer, repent or change."
~Marshall Rosenberg
Featured Article
Adopting Non-Violent Communication in Relationships
Published on Marriage.com
By Chrissy Fraser
“We need to improve our communication,” she says. “I think we communicate just fine,” he says. It is not uncommon for one partner to think that changes need to be made in the relationship and for the other to disagree or even seem indifferent.
With expressions like, “communication is a two-way street”, it is natural for the partner who wants to improve communication to think that it is impossible without effort from the other person.
But is there something to be gained by working on oneself regardless of whether your partner is ready or willing to change with you. I have heard people say, “why should I bother if my partner isn’t trying?” Or “I shouldn’t have to do all of the work.”
"Our survival as a species depends on our ability to recognize that
our well-being and the well-being of others are in fact one and the same."
~Marshall Rosenberg
Article
How Detachment Can Be Loving for All
By Wayland Myers, Ph.D.
Many years ago, I heard a drug rehab counselor say, "Detachment is a means whereby we allow others the opportunity to learn how to care for themselves better.” I felt confused and disturbed. I was a parent. My teenage child’s life and our family were being ravaged by her struggle with drug and alcohol use. Was I being told I shouldn’t try to stop her from using drugs and alcohol? That I shouldn’t try to protect her from herself or try to
control her recovery? I had heard about this “loving detachment” before and it sounded like a self-protective form of abandonment. But, this counselor made it sound like a gift. How could that be?
Over time, I began to understand what the counselor meant. I slowly discovered a number of mutual benefits that derived from practicing loving detachment when trying to support someone struggling with addiction. Then I came to see that these benefits could be realized in other situations I found challenging. Like when I was relating to someone who had a chronic illness that required wise self-care to be practiced over a long periods of
time and I thought they were failing to do that. Depression, diabetes, attention deficit disorder and schizophrenia came to mind.
"Never question the beauty of what you are saying
because someone reacts with pain, judgment, criticism. It just means they have not heard you."
~Marshall Rosenberg
Article
What is NVC Mediation? A Powerful Model for Healing and Reconciling Conflict
Published on Mediate.com
By Ike Lasater, Julie Stiles
To be a human being is to regularly be in conflict with oneself and others. Since we are biological beings, we are not able to be inside another person's experience, which means that each of us has our unique frame of reference on the world. Brain scientists tell us that our experience shapes how the mind perceives the world. We all know this intuitively. In a simple example, you and I can go to a movie together, and you might be
impassioned while I might be bored. The difference lies in each of us, not in the movie. In a similar vein, scientists also suggest that, in ways that are not yet fully known, the brain in effect has several conversations happening simultaneously in the process of producing what we experience as a unified consciousness of a present situation. Thus, both inside our minds and with other people we are immersed in conversations that contain differing perspectives, and conflicts inherently
arise.
"My need is for safety, fun and to have distribution of resources, a sustainable
life on the planet. NVC is a strategy that serves me to meet these needs."
~Marshall Rosenberg
NVC: Nonviolent Communication
In Depth Interview With Senior NVC Trainer Alan Seid
It’s something I’ve heard about on and off for the past few years but didn’t know anything about.
So this week I decided to reach out to NVC certified trainer Alan Seid to find out what the deal was, and to see if it’s something worth learning.
Michael Frank: What is NVC? What is Nonviolent Communication?
Alan Seid: NVC is about how we express our honesty in such a way that our perspective is most likely to be received with understanding, and our needs are most likely to be met in a way that’s in harmony with other people’s needs.
On the listening side it’s about how we receive what might be coming at us, even when it sounds like an attack or blame or criticism or a judgment, and how we listen for the other person’s needs and values so that we’re standing in a more compassionate place, so that we’re less likely to get defensive, and most likely to diffuse a potential conflict.
Meet L’aura Joy, born 1978, second generation Aurovilian, and passionate about Nonviolent Communication (or NVC for short). NVC, she explains, is about using communication as a means to get to the consciousness behind our words. “There’s so much judging and blaming, even if ever-so subtle, in our language, and we’re not aware of it. We’re conditioned by our upbringing, culture and education to speak and think in ways that create separation
between us. Once we start dissecting our language, we realize that what we’re actually saying is not really what’s going on inside us. NVC supports us to become more conscious of why we say certain things and to understand what’s going on inside ourselves, without starting a blame game. At the same time, it’s about developing curiosity and listening skills to understand what’s really going on for the other person. NVC uses communication as a means, although the ultimate goal is not communication
but the development of consciousness.”
"Two things distinguish nonviolent actions from violent actions. First, you
don't see an enemy and second, your intention is not to make the other side suffer."
~Marshall Rosenberg
Podcast
Talk-It-Out Radio - Power Into Our World, Trauma and Powerlessness: Practices for Creating Power-within and Power-with Relationship
Host Nancy Kahn shares concepts and practices in Nonviolent Communication that support the ability to experience power in our world, power with others, and to attend to moments when we experience the trauma of powerlessness.
The first 30 seconds is a song- then Nancy’s talk begins
"Two things distinguish nonviolent actions from violent actions. First, you
don't see an enemy and second, your intention is not to make the other side suffer.”
~Marshall Rosenberg
Video
NVC and using your emotions as a GPS to steer you to better communication
"When we make mistakes, we can use the process of NVC mourning and
self-forgiveness to show us where we can grow instead of getting caught up in moralistic self-judgments."
~Marshall Rosenberg
Inspiration, Fun and Other Good Stuff
Pinteresting
"Whether you think you can or think you can't, you’re right."
~Henry Ford
Inspiration, Fun and Other Good Stuff
Compassion in Action
How You Treat People Is Who You Are! (Kindness Motivational Video)
"The only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven't found it
yet, keep looking. Don't settle."
~Steve Jobs
Misc
A 10-Day NVC Intensive Report From a Recent Training in Tanzania (Sept. 25, 2019- Oct. 4, 2019)
With five of my Ruhpolding participants from Tanzania, I discussed and organized over 1.5 years a three-day NVC training in Arusha, Tanzania, including several half-days offers in different organizations who work especially with children and youth.
In the run-up to the actual training, an introduction about NVC was given to each organization by the local team.
For the three-day workshop, we expected 100 participants. Later, 120 wanted to come, and in the end, we had 140 participants from 8 different countries. They did not get sitting allowance, a fee to compensate their loss of their daily income... They all got the workshop, Marshall´s basic book, a handout, food, and water. They came from NGO´s, schools, including Montessori education, were nuns,
businessmen, judges, reporters…
I value the local team's preparation and handling of the workshop to a great extent. They put lots of their time, money and energy into it, to get this going in such a fruitful way.
Those organizations, who were first hesitating about an NVC presentation, asked to get a further training after they knew more, and invited us to come again, with more time and start a training in their house. The virus is spread. A TV show about the workshop was on.
I want to thank especially the other trainers, Esther Gerdts (G) and Jaqueline Muller (USA) for their dedication, not knowing much about NVC in Eastern Africa. Our togetherness was smooth, warm, in a flow, and we just handed over to the next one if we wanted to add or support. Our collaboration was fitting, very satisfying, made a lot of sense. Sam Odinga (KE), some Kenyans in the certification
process and the local team supported, especially in the smaller group work.
After the three days, sentences like this were part of the feedback: …changed my life… opened a new world to me… please come more often… a new way of facilitation and a new way of living… recruit other younger (!) NVC trainers to join their workforce and carry the flame and the spirit of NVC… I see the move within me… NVC is the proof that for only three days you can change the entire life...
taught me to empower children…
I was fascinated by students from an organization (secondary and university level) who failed their exams or were dropped out of school. These students got their second chance in this organization with a place in the library and access to a computer.
Although most of them had an exam the next day after our NVC training, they came back to our workshop after the break and shared their personal stories.. I love to work with young people like them, they want to develop, learn and take their second chance, an atmosphere for me with deep connection.
One participant said: “We in Tanzania have no watches, we have time.” When I hear this sentence, I get extremely triggered. If we would not have a watch, we could start the workshop any time in the morning instead of 8:30. I love reliability and structure and appreciation for what we bring in. This statement does not at all mirror the complex situation in this African country. I prefer everybody
living on its own account, with self-responsibility and at the same time I like to give them my full power to know more about NVC and its applicability in this country.
The power of the church for me was incredible. About 60% of the Tanzanians are Christians and go to church almost every Sunday for 2-3 hours. I visited 3 of them. The priests were preaching about people being evil and sinners, and search for a better world beyond live on earth. Their voice was lifted to a very high volume, almost screaming.
I was helpless: What am I doing here? Fortunately, one member of the local team informed me that some priests change and do not “indoctrinate” in this way anymore.
During our offerings in the different organizations I realized the power of tradition:
In about 7 African countries as well as in Tanzania I realized the importance of clans and tribes. This is their social system, and they accept many “disadvantages” in order to belong.
Some examples for present tradition:
In some rural areas, it is still common that women do not look into the eyes of men and even bend down on their knees and clap their hands towards a man, and if a further man enters, they get up and bend down again and clap again. I was voiceless and shocked! My desire is dignity for all humans.
“Women are beaten often. Men are scorned if they do not beat their wives” – a quote from a Tanzanian man of about 40 years, far away from my longing for equality.
Even today when a man and a woman marry, often the man has to pay cows for the wife. So many start their marriage in debts.
Children are beaten regularly. This was another shocking moment for me. Independent of gender or age in all (!) organizations we visited, this was a topic. One younger teacher shared to be in a corporal punishment committee in his school. Now after the workshop, he said, “This is over, I will change this in the committee!”
Right now, we heard about several situations in which the pressure of some young humans revealed in burning of a dormitory or a library, which is so much needed.
10% of the young girls are circumcised, although it is prohibited by the government. In rural areas in special cultures, 50% are circumcised. I am suffering, what a pain, and I am looking for any sense behind it.
We celebrate the birthday of one young orphan teacher from Uganda: only one year ago he was hugged the first time in his life. He never got a physical present. So, we gave him a love shower, some little gifts and asked for the allowance to hug him, which he liked in full. He was proud and smiling, realizing the gift of touching and opening up to someone even bodily.
My learnings:
- I will only offer a workshop without giving the participants a sitting allowance. A lot of NGO´s did this in the past to "collect and attract" participants. We wanted them to come for the content. Maybe some sneaked in for the food, this is ok for me. In the next workshop, we even start to take a contribution of any kind.
- I will ask at the beginning of a workshop if they are present voluntarily. One afternoon, we were working in a private school for students with less family income and a "difficult" background. Most of the students (in toto 600) did not move when I started the 4 corner game as differentiation between needs and strategies. I had the impression, they preferred to play football or practice for their
performance the next day. So, having a choice in attending the NVC offering became again important to me.
- Next workshop I want to work even more with youth, especially those who want a second chance. They want to learn and develop. And I have so much fun and connection with them.
- For the sustainability of the development of NVC in a country, in my opinion, a local group is essential. Only if they now continue to support praxis groups, the seeds may flourish. I believe in their power. Several groups are planned.
- In one workshop the nuns sat on one side of the church, the Montessori teacher on the other. Playful mixing of groups for mind chance and equality is important to me from the beginning on in a workshop. Unfortunately, I realized only after the session. Here, I work on more awareness.
Summary:
I love my contribution that this event happened in Tanzania.
I am happy and satisfied.
Besides all the tradition many are living in, I sensed the humanity in them and their desire to know more about NVC in order to support their country in its development towards more self-responsibility.
"Even in the most difficult of times, there is always a hidden blessing that
exists under all the superficial stuff that we so frequently see. There is always a rainbow waiting to burst forth after the rain."
The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) is a global nonprofit organization founded by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. We are dedicated to sharing Nonviolent Communication (NVC) around the world, and, to that end, we offer International Intensive Trainings and we certify individuals as trainers.
NVC is about connecting with ourselves and others from the heart. It’s about seeing the humanity in all of us. It’s about recognizing our commonalities and differences and finding ways to make life wonderful for all of us.
We added a NVC 3rd print edition recently with an additional chapter on 'Conflict Resolution and Mediation'. This is not included in the Sounds True recording.
"What the life of Nelson Mandela teaches us is that life is full of challenges,
hardships and misfortunes and we must forever strengthen our resolve to forge ahead and achieve our dreams in spite of the road blocks erected on our paths."
~Abraham Mutwol
November 2019 Book Specials
NVC Book!
Peaceful Living: Daily Meditations for Living With Love, Healing and Compassion
by Mary Mackenzie
Regular Price: $19.95
Sale Price: $3.95
Mindful words and practical tools for creating peace in everyday life
Each of the 366 meditations in this gathering of wisdom is designed to move readers away from turmoil, strife, and divisiveness and lead them toward peace, resolution, and cooperation. This shift in consciousness is challenging, but with the words and ideas of this book, readers can assemble a collection of practical tools for peaceful living. The learned behaviors of cynicism, resentment, and getting even are
replaced with the skills of Nonviolent Communication, including recognizing one's needs and values and making choices in alignment with them. Peaceful Living goes beyond daily affirmations, providing the skills and consciousness you need to transform relationships, heal pain, and discover the life-enriching meaning behind even the most trying situations. Begin each day centered and connected to yourself and your values. Direct the course of your life toward your deepest hopes and needs. Ground
yourself in the power of compassionate, conscious living.
You may buy the book or if you prefer, please sign up for the Free Daily Meditations. (See Below)
Stay Connected to the Values of Compassion With the Free 366 Daily Peaceful Living Meditations. Read one sample
below
From the book Peaceful Living-Daily Meditations for Living, Love and Compassion
by Mary Mackenzie
Do not judge and you will not be judged. For as you judge others, so you will yourselves be judged . . .
—Matthew 7:1
Understanding Our Judgments
Many of us have learned patterns of speaking that backfire. One of these is judging other people. Often, we do this to feel better about ourselves, and possibly to meet our own needs for acceptance and belonging, yet just the opposite happens. Whenever we judge someone else in any way, we create a barrier and distance between us and the other person. This occurs every time we judge another person as lazy, stupid, a bad dresser,
egotistical, or uncaring. Every moralistic judgment separates us from other people and limits our ability to meet the very needs we set out to meet, such as feeling better about ourselves, acceptance, and belonging.
Instead of judging, then, notice how you feel about someone’s actions, or how you feel when you see something. If you are skiing and someone cuts in front of you, rather than thinking she’s a jerk or a maniac, consider that you feel scared and you’d like the slopes to be safer. This slight shift from judging other people to awareness of how their behavior affects you can make a profound difference in your ability to live peacefully.
Be aware of your moralistic judgments today, and make a conscious effort to shift from judgments to an awareness of your own feelings and needs.
Also Free Daily
Peaceful Living-Daily Meditations for Living, Love and Compassion by Mary Mackenzie
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