For years I have been speaking and writing about how our communication can greatly enhance our relationships and life experiences. For something completely different, I thought I’d offer readers some sure-fire ways to effectively ruin relationships.
That’s right. Ruin relationships! We could also call it the Thomas Edison approach .. a few tips on how not to light up the faces of those you love. For those who might be curious, here are some time-tested strategies...
An Attempt to Define a Nonviolent Communication Approach to Addictive Behaviors
By Wayland Myers, PhD
One of the many ways Nonviolent Communication (NVC) has blessed my life is that it has helped me learn to relate to an addictive substance user in a clearly non-shaming, non-coercive manner. This has been hard for me. I have experienced great pain loving and living with people caught in destructive substance use. I have been afraid to give up the option of coercion. But, I have persevered to learn and embrace an NVC approach because it
appears to me that one of the primary emotions which drive addictive behavior is shame. People using addictive substances often suffer from a great sense of unworthiness and self-loathing. In fact, shame is such a disruptive part of their lives that the famous 12 steps devotes steps 4 through 9, half of the steps, to helping people resolve shameful feelings. I find that an impressive and enlightening commitment.
Why Does Death Come as such a Surprise? Endings…by Rachelle Lamb
By Rachelle Lamb
I think it fair to say that we all "know" that death will come for us one day and yet it's so painfully surprising and overwhelming when it actually happens to someone who is close to us .. the heartbreaking finality that intrudes on the shoreline of our imagined eternal lives. Scott was a kind soul .. intelligent, quick witted, inventive, warm hearted, caring, and always willing to lend a hand. Also a gifted and talented guitarist, he
dearly loved to pluck those strings; the sweet melodies he played were always a gift for anyone who happened to be within earshot.
I have been sitting here for 20 minutes, too ashamed of my own memories to even begin to write. It’s easy enough to write about having been bullied. In first grade, every day while waiting for the bus after school, a sixth grade girl would gather her friends around me in a circle so that the playground attendant couldn’t see what was happening, and she would punch me once, viciously, in the solar plexus. Then they
would all dissipate and I would be left in pain, already dreading the next day. And I would try not to cause any trouble about it all, and be nice to that girl, because she was really big and really scary, and maybe I was lucky that it was just one punch, and contained to just that moment in time, when I had another hour’s bus ride both mornings and evenings with her.
One of the biggest buzzwords listed on a resume is being a ‘good communicator’ or having ‘strong communication skills’. However, we often see the opposite occur, especially during this current age of online trolls and messages of hate in the comments sections of online platforms such as Facebook or Instagram. In my opinion, a good communicator
means that one is actively practicing this skill. We go to the gym to get stronger, sometimes that means cardio or lifting weights. We also need to exercise our muscles around communication. So, how do we do that? Using the framework of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, we can learn how to communicate effectively by bringing it back-to-basics with a four-step process of communication. Nonviolent Communication focuses on how to listen nonjudgmentally and focus on what the other
party is actually saying. It uses curiosity to ask questions in an effort to connect rather than becoming argumentative in order to prove a point. It requires our ego to step aside and make space for finding a creative solution that benefits all parties involved. The four steps are focused in the following order: observation, how you are feeling, how that connects to underlying needs, and lastly - connecting those feelings and needs to making a clear request. Effective communication
has been and is going to continue to be a necessary skill for the human race. We have a lot to learn, especially from toddlers: they have an uncanny ability to state exactly what they need. “I have to pee.” “I am thirsty.” By skillfully acknowledging how we feel and what we need, rather than pretending we’re okay at all times, this presentation gives examples of how to true connect through effective communication, especially across political party lines, in efforts to build resiliency and
community. Higher Ed Coordinator at the M.K. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at https://www.ted.com/tedx
Article
What is NVC-An In-Depth Excellent Interview With Alan Seid, Senior CNVC Trainer
Michael Frank: What is NVC? What is Nonviolent Communication?
Alan Seid: NVC is about how we express our honesty in such a way that our perspective is most likely to be received with understanding, and our needs are most likely to be met in a way that’s in harmony with other people’s needs.
On the listening side it’s about how we receive what might be coming at us, even when it sounds like an attack or blame or criticism or a judgment, and how we listen for the other person’s needs and values so that we’re standing in a more compassionate place, so that we’re less likely to get defensive, and most likely to diffuse a potential conflict.
Note to the reader: This definition will become a lot clearer throughout the article
My definition of NVC is: Compassionate communication and listening with empathy
Michael Frank: Is NVC mostly about how we communicate and listen to others, or is it also about how we communicate with ourselves?
Alan Seid: It’s mostly about how we communicate with ourselves.
"Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situations
that threaten your peace of mind, self-respect, values, morals
and self-worth."
~Dalai Lama
March 2020 Book Specials
NVC Books!
Being Genuine: Stop Being Nice, Start Being Real
Why relations go wrong and how to fix them
In this English translation of the French bestseller, readers will learn simple, practical skills to step outside of their emotional masks to live a genuine, authentic life. Teaching everyday communication skills to respectfully express true feelings and the power of requesting wants without demands or force, readers learn how to tackle life’s difficult situations and conversations with ease and even excitement. Topics include ideas and
advice on how to identify feelings and needs without blaming others, honest and respectful self-expression, facing conflict with ease, and finding balance by staying connected to basic needs.
Techniques to align speech with the goals and desires of the soul
In every interaction, every conversation and in every thought, you have a choice – to promote peace or perpetuate violence. International peacemaker, mediator and healer, Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg shows you how the language you use is the key to enriching life. Take the first step to reduce violence, heal pain, resolve conflicts and spread peace on our planet – by developing an internal consciousness of peace rooted in the language you
use each day. Speak Peace is filled with inspiring stories, lessons and ideas drawn from over 40 years of mediating conflicts and healing relationships in some of the most war torn, impoverished, and violent corners of the world. Speak Peace offers insight, practical skills, and powerful tools that will profoundly change your relationships and the course of your life for the better. Bestselling author of the internationally acclaimed, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Discover how
you can create an internal consciousness of peace as the first step toward effective personal, professional, and social change. Find complete chapters on the mechanics of Nonviolent Communication, effective conflict resolution, transforming business culture, transforming enemy images, addressing terrorism, transforming authoritarian structures, expressing and receiving gratitude, and social change.
To contribute to needs for clarity and acknowledgment we request that you use each file in its entirety and keep them intact, including all copyright and contact information.
"As NVC replaces our old patterns of defending, withdrawing or attacking in the face of judgment and
criticism. We come to perceive ourselves and others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are minimized."
~Marshall B. Rosenberg
In The News
Here Are the Most Important Execs at Microsoft Under Satya Nadella
Nadella also set about changing Microsoft’s cutthroat and bureaucratic culture. He encouraged employees to have a so-called “growth mindset” — the belief that people can develop new skills and knowledge with enough effort — after his wife, Anu, introduced him to the book “Mindset” by Carol Dweck years ago.
Soon after becoming CEO, he asked top Microsoft executives to read “Nonviolent Communication” by Marshall Rosenberg.
Empathy is an essential leadership skill and a cornerstone of good relationships—but it can be hard to access when it's most needed. Luckily, empathy is also a learnable skill, with the power to move conversations out of gridlock and pain. With mindfulness, empathy has deescalated conflicts, combated loneliness, and built human connections in the most unlikely places. With this book, readers will learn how anger and blame
get translated and productive dialogues made possible, how to repair arguments before they cause damage, and how self-empathy transforms relationships.
"Do it because you have a deep desire to make lives better”: Interview with social enterprise soulbottles’s CEO Paul (Scroll down to see how Paul values NVC)
soulbottles is a social business on a quest to fight plastic pollution through its reusable glass bottles that sport beautiful and colourful prints – literally, like a message in a bottle.
Its glass bottles are fair, climate neutral, free from plastic and most of all, encourage people to drink more tap water. With every bottle sold, €1 goes to the German NGO Viva con Agua to support their WASH project (water, sanitation and hygiene) in countries like Nepal. The project not only gives access to clean water, but also provides education on sanitation and hygiene for kids, through workshops and trainings.
Founded in 2011 in Vienna, soulbottles is currently based in Berlin. Its products are available via its online store and through retailers in 20 countries. Just recently, soulbottles added steel bottles to their product offering.
We spoke with Paul Kupfer, their co-founder, to learn more about the impact startup, their journey in social entrepreneurship, what drives them, how the team works together and what’s next.
The Center for Nonviolent Communication (CNVC) is a global nonprofit organization founded by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D. We are dedicated to sharing Nonviolent Communication (NVC) around the world, and, to that end, we offer International Intensive Trainings and we certify individuals as trainers.
NVC is about connecting with ourselves and others from the heart. It’s about seeing the humanity in all of us. It’s about recognizing our commonalities and differences and finding ways to make life wonderful for all of us.
Stay Connected to the Values of Compassion With the Free 366 Daily Peaceful Living Meditations. Read one sample
below
From the book Peaceful Living-Daily Meditations for Living, Love and Compassion
by Mary Mackenzie
Love is not a possession. It is the flow of God’s energy.
—Swami Chidvilasananda
Everyone in the class gasped; we were stunned by our poignant realization. The Nonviolent Communication trainer had led us through a process in which we identified our greatest need, and every one of us was surprised at what we uncovered. In the next exercise, we had identified all the things we were doing to meet our greatest need. Not one of us could identify a single behavior that would help us! In fact, we
were acting in ways that guaranteed failure.
I realized in that moment that I had spent my life protecting myself by building walls between myself and other people, responding to them in a defensive or aggressive manner, and not allowing their love to pass through my tough exterior. All these behaviors were strategies to meet my need for protection. However, they made it impossible for me to meet other, more pressing needs for love, nurturing, caring,
community, belonging, and intimacy. Had it not been for this trainer and Nonviolent Communication, I might never have noticed how my behaviors were ensuring my unhappiness.
Nonviolent Communication is also known as Compassionate Communication; you will see these terms used interchangeably as you read through this book. It has taught me how to be present to the moment, to identify my underlying needs in situations, and to consciously choose behaviors that are in alignment with those needs. Today, I live more authentically, more directly, more lovingly, and more peacefully than I
ever dreamed possible. I have transformed my relationships with family members, friends, and business colleagues to such a degree that I can no longer imagine the grief I used to feel in these relationships. I am sincerely and profoundly grateful for how living the Nonviolent Communication process has altered the course of my life toward peaceful living.
Each daily meditation in this book offers an inspiring quote, information on an aspect of Nonviolent Communication, and an action step that you can take each day to integrate these principles into your life.
My hope is that these daily meditations will help you start each day more centered and connected to yourself and your values. For those new to this process, may the daily messages reveal new tools for directing the course of your life toward your deepest values and needs. For those who are familiar with Nonviolent Communication, may the meditations help further ground you in its techniques and reinforce what
you have learned. Together, may we fathom a different way of being in the world, a way that allows for everyone’s needs to be valued equally.
The more each person lives in harmony with her values, the closer we are to manifesting world peace. It will not happen overnight, but each step we take, each moment that we choose not to snap at our children or the grocery clerk, each time we consider someone else’s needs, world peace is closer. It is inevitable.
Also Free Daily
Peaceful Living-Daily Meditations for Living, Love and Compassion by Mary Mackenzie
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